Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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