my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
