I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
In other news, I just burned my penis
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
