I want to make a zoo with you.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
