Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
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