I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
So squirting runs in the family.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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