Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
