anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I could fuck to npr.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
