haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
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