i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
