dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
