I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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