Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
