i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
