I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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