Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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