do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
