i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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