I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
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If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
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It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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