Your mouth is God's brothel.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
