anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
