I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
