i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
