guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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