When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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