You smell like a Billy Joel song
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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