why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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