the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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