i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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