you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
