so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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