you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Randomize
