my mouth tastes like poor choices
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
