I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
