i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
