i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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