I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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