My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
