had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
