I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
