If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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