Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
