It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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