she woke up with a sticky ear
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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