I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
