I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
