I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
