He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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