I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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