No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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