Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
