thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
