Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
