my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
