Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
