you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize