the condom got lost in my hair
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
