i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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