I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
