fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
