party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
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I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
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My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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